Unequally yoked will leave you S C R A M B L E D

Last night I was up reading another entry from one of my favorite bloggers at the moment Dr.Rob called "As a woman does earning too much hinder my chances of settling down?" (go head and have a butchers...& thank me later). As always it was a very interesting read with some major key points that really triggered a thought process into some questions regarding my own personal situation. Instead of posting a long winded comment on Dr.Rob's blog I figured I might as well post my own blog entry with my take on the subject matter.

Right! ...So as a woman does earning too much hinder my chances of settling down? ermmm it plays a huge part. Thing is when your a woman who has everything situated, your making your own money, and your pretty independent, already you fall into the category of that 'high caliber female' the kind that would be considered intimidating to the average male. Although from the offset it's something to be admired it can also be possible for a potential suitor to feel constrained to live up to that standard if they're not on that level to begin with.

After reading DrRob's blog I won't even go as far as saying "men step your game up" because I believe there are a plethora of men who are on their thing, but I will say this; "WOMEN AIM HIGHER" yes I'm directing this at you. At the end of it all we as women should begin to raise our standards and start to become more attracted to the men that are on our level instead of wasting time entertaining relationships with men that are not. (i.e As a career driven woman you should gear towards a career driven man, because 'like should attract like' right?) I've nearly gone half crazy trying to figure out what made me "intimidating" to the average Joe, I've heard it all "u seem like the stush type" "your a bit high maintenance innit" blah blah blah and for ages I thought I was the problem. Maybe I gave off this "independent woman I don't need a man" type of vibe, but in actual fact I was an eagle mingling amongst pigeons. Any man who perceives a woman who is well put together as "stush" is not the type of man a well put together woman should go for...

I'm a firm believer of surrounding yourself with like minded individuals (refer to my other post: Birds of a feather flock together : F A C T ! ) and I guess the same should be said for a potential partner.
Whoever you choose to be in a relationship with should be a mirrored reflection of who you are, where you're going, and what you aspire to be.

["But Lola where am I suppose to find these men?" uhhhh read this... #ThankMeLater]

FOOD FOR THOUGHT V O L 0.1 "80-20 Relationship Rule"

Ladies and Gentlemen, and you..lol
Have you heard of the 80-20 relationship rule? As I am aware Bishop TD Jakes had touched on this before so I thought I'd give my take on it, for you to digest and express your own opinions if you like, or pass it on to whom ever.


Lola's 80-20 Rule:
In our relationship, our partner is most likely only able to offer 80% of what we need. So therefore we would often go searching for somewhere/someone who fills in the small space of the other 20% and because it’s been missing for so long, you think you’ve finally fulfilled that empty void your current partner was unable to fill. HOWEVER, though searching could either be as innocent as seeking within friendships to fill that void it could also mean contemplating taking risks in cheating, or leaving your 80% for that small 20% your missing out on.  What you need to realise is that in doing this your only left with... 20%.  Obviously this is no where near as fulfilling as being with someone who offers 80% (do the math...20% vs 80%)

YOU GET ME??...kool...I'll go on.

Now I believe this is where most marriages/relationships fail. Most people only get about 80% of what they need in a marriage and honestly the 20% shouldn't really be a big issue.
The problem is so many men and women put way too much focus on what they are NOT getting out of the relationship (instead of what they already have) meaning dissatisfaction which then puts a strain on the relationship that 9/10 times ends in divorce/breaking up/cheating on the 80% as the 20% seems to be more appealing (at the time)...so in hindsight you have lost out on 80% satisfaction for the quick 20% fix (do the math...20% vs 80%)

YOU STILL WITH ME YEH?...kool...OK LET ME ROUND IT UP

Lola's Final Thoughts:
Reality is no relationship is perfect as we all have flaws and will fall short in life in many areas. Unspoken expectations are a relationship killer. The key to a sustainable relationship is to accept the 80% and work on the 20% ...and just be happy. I mean look at it this way; you'd be deeply pissed if you left your plate of Jollof rice, plantain and assorted meat on the table to go get an extra piece of chicken and come back to find someone else eating from your plate...

THINK ABOUT IT!


...and that's all she wrote

Fashion Finds: Spring/Summer 2011 Collection - Ruthie Davis & Kurt Geiger [ S H O E G A S M ]

It's been a long time coming but here is another installment of shoegasm for ya!! courtesy of Kurt Geiger & Ruthie Davis.

Ruthie Davis
I LOVE this designer with their  famous fashion forward and futuristic approach to design. They are always up to date with the latest shoe trends and their Summer 2011 collection does not dissapoint in the slightest, just have at look at those bright colours, platforms and spikes *drool*

Kurt Geiger
This Summer KG have gone vintage on us with these 70's inspired styles, they have comletely embraced the colour block trend with these brights.  The retro feel focuses on femininity with playfulness.  The design are surprising and not your typical style from KG.  Platform pumps, wedges & clogs make up most of Kurt Geiger’s collection. Love Love Love em!!

Fashion Finds: O O T D (outfit of the day) vintage

My mum was going through her clothes she had from nigeria and I caught my eye on this gawjus blue Ankara (African print) maxi dress. It was huge on me so I decided to pair it with a navy blue waist belt which brought some shape to the dress and surprisingly it looked bang on trend. thanx mummy!!









Photography by: Raliat photography (9 yr old sister)

Fashion Finds: O O T D (outfit of the day)

So I went to church and this is the outfit I threw together:

Photography by my 9yr old sister

Skirt: H&M | Top: H&M | Blazer: H&M | Bag: Primark | Shoes: umm Forever 21 I think



Emotional post: T H E L O S T O N E S

Last night I was going through this whole “Men are crazy” rampage, calling up my male friends/acquaintances to shed light on the subject as to why men say and do the dumbest shh...stuff. I was at the end of my tether and was ready to rule out men (black men in particular) all together; no foreal...I was done lol. It wasn’t until a specific conversation I had that steered from me ranting about how much men suck to the downfall of the black race as a whole, a complete 180 right? Yea it went that deep, as deep as: “The black race is f***ed”.  Wow, I actually couldn’t say anything, or object to it because I agreed completely. Specifically looking at our youths, the gang culture, our family unit etc and how messed up some of it is, it really does hit home that our community is deteriorating.  Although the conversation went on into different directions, I even stopped paying  attention at some points and at times forgot what I was saying; the statement “The black race is f***ed” kept replaying over and over again in my head. It had affected me to the point where I couldn’t sleep and somehow I’ve found myself in front of my computer screen typing this with tears welled up in my eyes.

“The black race is f***ed” How did we get to this point? How did things manage to get THIS bad? In particular why are our youths killing each other? These are the questions that we continue to ask ourselves, CONSTANTLY. Well let’s look at the common factors: broken homes, boredom, no faith in the system, No positive guidance - the list can go on. We all know of the common factors and yet as a community this is all we dwell on "why are we killing each other?" "Why is gang culture so prominent within the black community?" Well this is why: we have glamorised and glorified the gang culture and it’s evident in the media. Girls putting bad boy’s on a pedestal giving these boys an incentive to be “bad”, and THE LACK OF POSITIVE GUIDANCE.

There comes a point where as a community we should be held accountable for each other. We can complain, point the finger, and blame the system until our faces turn blue but hear this; the system is not going to fix this problem. The harsh reality is the system was not put in place to help us, you know it and I know it...So what now?

The problem with us as a black race is that we've taken the UNITY out of community. Where are all the positive role models?  We need more positive role models in our community for the next generation to aspire to be. They need guidance, without any form of guidance one is lost and unfortunately the only guidance they have comes in the form of "the streets". Don't leave it up to the elders on road to guide the next generation, deeming them "youngers" putting them under their wing only to steer them in the wrong direction. Instead we should build more positive leaders that can mentor these young ones and steer them into a direction that can better them and make them an example that their peers can look up to.

As a black race please let’s stop dwelling on how we got this way and concentrate on how WE are going to change it. We’re only as f***ed as we allow ourselves to be.

With tears streaming down my face at 3am in the morning, I have come to the conclusion that I can't turn my back on my people and expect the system to have their back...I’m sorry.

"A little less complaint and whining, and a little more dogged work and manly striving, would do us more credit..." -W.E.B. Du Bois

Fashion Finds: How to wear L E G G I N G S

Leggings, can't get enough of them right?? I ♥ leggings, I don't know what I would do without them...honestly. However not everyone knows how to rock a decent pair of leggings, whether it be problems with what looks good on your body type or how to piece it together with everything else. Welp, here are some helpful tips/visuals that should lead you towards the path of "chic", I advise you to take notes.

...With a Crop top
"oh no, no no! you can't wear leggings as trousers!" uhh who made that rule up? Of course you can!, just as long as it doesn't offend anyone. For my slimmer ladies with that modelesque physique you can actually get away with wearing leggings with a short top. For my daring shapelier females go ahead and rock the same look but throw on a long cardi or blazer just so your rump doesn't cause car accidents lol.

...with boots
Who said leggings were boring? well you can dress it up or down by your foot wear. Throw on an ankle boot for that Kim K look or go all out with the knee high boot, flat or heeled boots would really compliment a good legging nicely.

...with a longline vest
For the more modest type, or if your pretty bottom heavy then you might opt for wearing your leggings with a long line vest/top. It still looks good and it covers the risky areas lol. I personally prefer wearing my leggings with a longline vest rather than a tunic, I still want to look like I'm wearing a top with leggings rather than a dress with leggings.

Wet look Leggings Rock! (sometimes)

Have a look at how I would reccomend you'd wear wet look leggings:

How NOT to wear wet look leggings

Leggings gets a thumbs up from me, just avoid looking like the above and your good to go! ♥

LOVE it?...Find it: ASOS | American Apparel | H&M

Get out my hair...P L E A S E

To whom it may concern,

For years the weave debate has been an ongoing argument. As of recently I’ve found myself in the midst of these debates (pro weave of course) fighting my corner, going round after round, taking a couple blows and sending a few myself, but now I can honestly say that I’m exhausted!

The funny thing is I’m having these debates with MEN, black men that have issues with black women “not embracing their natural hair”, black men that HATE weave on black women, black men that are disappointed in the fact that black women are conforming to the stigma of society’s perception of [European] beauty. What HURTS me the most, is the same black man that is telling me that I must “hate myself” because I wear weave, is putting the likes of Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Sanaa Lathan, Gabrielle union, Megan Goodd etc, weave wearing BEAUTIFUL black women on a pedestal so high they could catch a nose bleed. If I as a black woman are being made guilty of conforming to society’s perception of beauty, then YOU as a black man are just as guilty...no? I mean this so called perception was created by a MAN right? And as a black man you fed into it and decided that: European features = beauty.

Some people have been so quick to get on the black woman for “self hate” and disowning her natural self, not embracing who she really is, that’s HER issue. But there comes a point where men...yes you black men, have to take some responsibility. Are YOU EMBRACING OUR NATURAL STATE, do you have the likes of India Arie, Jill scott, Lauryn Hill, Goapele and Erykah Badu (to name a few) on your top 5...well? Be honest with yourself. Think about all the black women in the industry you find attractive, now weed out the ones that have NATURAL HAIR. If they all do, then this post is not directed to you, if none of them do then please keep reading. If you are a black woman that hates the state of your natural hair, that doesn’t embrace the origins of your hair, that use weave to hide the “shame” you call your own hair... this post is NOT for you.

 My Hair journey:

Yes I wear weave, I love weave it’s like a new pair of shoes to me, I don’t wear weave because I need it, I wear it because I like to, it’s a PREFERENCE. I started to wear weave more often during my transition stage (going natural) I haven’t relaxed my hair in 2 years. My natural hair texture isn’t kinky it’s pretty soft and when I had come to this realisation I thought it be a waste of money to relax my hair especially if it didn’t take much to get my hair to the desired way I wanted it without using hard chemicals. Although I personally don’t agree with relaxing your hair solely because it’s easier to manage.

I wore weave as a protective style, to protect my natural hair from heat damage and other elements and it worked because within a year my hair has grown dramatically but I still have a long way to go in terms of its thickness. But I LOVE my natural hair in all its fluffiness.

“Lola why so hard on the black man, isn’t this a black woman’s problem” I’m not disputing that. It is very much our problem but when some black men want to rant and rave about it, and act as though they have not contributed to the problem this is where I have to put my foot...well in this case fingertips... down! Lol.  I’ve heard it all; “too many black girls wearing weave, see and they wonder why we go for the lighties” – black man. Seriously?? That statement in itself is so backward. So you’re telling me because you feel like black women aren’t rocking their natural kinky hair you’ll opt for a woman that has naturally soft, wavy/curly hair (who probably has tracks in anyway) the same kind of hair that said"self hating" black woman is being accused of emulating, uh so basically not only is she not willing to embrace her natural state you’re not either...hmmm with comments like these we’re just going around in circles pointing the finger with no solution to the “problem”.

For the women that embrace their natural hair but wear weave purely as a protective style, or to change up their style, or it’s just something they like to wear, then by all means wear it, wear it well and wear it with confidence. Even for the women that relax their hair, and do it simply because it’s a style they prefer, rock it with confidence!

For the weave hating black men; why don’t you openly embrace some of these natural sisters a bit more? stop talking about it, you never know, it may be the solution to this “problem”. Hmm maybe some of the “self hating, weaved up chemically altered” black women may just feel pressured to go natural if natural women became more desirable.

And that’s all she wrote,

Yours, CONFIDENTLY SECURE IN MY OWN SKIN, BLACK WOMAN.

*flicks remy...drops mic*



Wise Words on: R E L A T I O N S H I P S

"When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on- series polygamy- until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimension to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter."

- Tom Robbins (Still Life with Woodpecker 1980)

The Woman Manual: FOR THE M A N D E M

1. Chivalry is very much alive...if you keep it that way
Yes I know a lot of us women like to protest about being an independent woman blah blah. But we still like it when you open doors, pull out chairs and all that good stuff. It's not like we can't do it ourselves its just nice to see that a guy has a gentleman side.

2. We like to talk all you have to do is LISTEN
You know this already, yes women like to talk, talk about our day, our emotions, vent, you know get some things off our chest. All we ask is that you just sit and listen, nod a couple times with a  "wow really?" thrown in here and there. We don't expect you to fix the problem or have all the answers just listen, it won't hurt. It's worse if we notice that your not paying attention we talk more [on purpose] which evidently gets on your nerves.

3. So your ballin? that's great...but I got this
We don't mind you guy's paying, but we don't expect you to do it all the time. We actually don't have any problem picking up the bill, honestly. Also don't go taking out loans, maxing out your credit cards falling into near bankruptcy just to impress us. We see through the guys that use their student loan to pop champs at the club especially when they're leaving in a Ford KA.

4. If your going to look at another chick either be discreet or own up to it!
9 out of 10 times we did see you stare at her backoff so to then try and deny it just makes you look very stupid. I mean we probably clocked her ass to, matter fact a lot of the times we've already seen the female first and just look at you to see if you would fall for the bait and sneak a look. If your girl is anything like me, my advice is to just own up to it, or you can do one of these 2 things:

a.) You already know you want to look at said girl, so nudge your girl and be like "ay babes...I swear you got those jeans/dress/leggings" as your girl proceeds to look over, you've given yourself  a free pass to look at the ass with no problem.

b.) Look in the direction the said girl will walk prematurely. Pretend your looking at something ahead, then when she walks past your already looking in that direction no longer liable as to what walks into your peripheral vision.

4.No means no! not yes, not maybe, not I'm thinking about it
I feel like this is pretty self explanatory. When a woman say's no she more than likely means it. It will never be a yes, she will not change her mind. Matter fact her mind is already made up, so just accept the "no" humbly and keep it moving.

5.Being "cute" is a good thing
We've seen men go into full-body convulsions at this word. If we say you're cute, be very impressed.

6.The Ex talk
Talking about your Ex and making comparisons to us is a straight RED CARD and a deuces. Unless we ask, we don't care to know that your ex has the same complexion as us, or she did this for you or we should try this because your ex did. It makes you look like your still caught up and haven't moved on, its a turn off and quite frankly going on and on about your Ex will make us X you out like its Britain's Got Talent.

7. Leave the "Road Man" at home
Fair enough us women like "bad boys", there's something sexy about them. However don't talk to us like we're one of the man dem, excessive swearing, profanity, lude comments. Save it for when your jamming with your boys, as a lady we don't really need to hear all that thanks.

8.We can't read your minds or your body...open your mouth
Unless you tell us, we will not know if your interested. Guy's are known for sending mixed signals, they may act like they're interested but it could be just an ACT in order to get us into bed (you know its true). Be real, we don't want to have to try and figure things out or make silly assumptions. Spare us the headache and just let us know wa gwan.

9. Your one of a few
Don't assume that your the only guy that is trying to pursue us. More than likely we're talking to a couple other guys, its called options. Guy's have them and so do us females. So I suggest you don't get too comfortable and start slacking because the day you randomly call her she will drop the "oh I'm kinda seeing someone right now" line..yea you didn't make the cut...sorry.

10. Its all about eyes, touch and smile [exactly in this order]
If we gaze into your eyes, then proceed to touch your arm, thigh/leg, or chest, followed by a smile it only means one thing "I want you". It's as simple as that.



[Disclaimer:  This is from my own words/personal experiences I don't speak for ALL women, but I'm sure the majority can co-sign]

A New Year a New Me: W E I G H T L O S S

Ok so we're already 2 months into the New Year and although I’m not one for new year resolutions, I did say that I was going to concentrate on getting fit, losing weight and just being a bit more active.  Well so far so good...I think. I’ve been working out more and eating sensibly. (Well trying to)


Eating Habits:
I never really had bad eating habits, I’m not one for overeating or sweet things (I’m a savoury kinda chick). However my main problem was skipping breakfast and eating dinner late at night. I bet your thinking “hmm skipping meals, doesn’t that make you lose weight?” uhh HECK NO! If anything you can easily gain more weight from skipping meals, why? Well you see when you don’t eat you get really hungry and are prone to stuff your face later on in the day, and we all know the later you eat the less time you have to burn it off. Also after every meal skipped when you do finally eat something your body takes every single ounce of calorie, fat, sugar every little bit from that meal as a way to refuel itself, imagine your body saying “yes! food!..finally..I’ll take that, have me some of that...oh and that...yes more...more!!..MORE!!”
So what’s the solution you ask? Well eating as frequently as you can but in small HEALTHY portions (“ehh?? You mean to tell me eating a lot helps me lose weight”) Yeah! sounds crazy but having frequent small meals actually boosts your metabolism and you end up burning more fat...don’t believe me? Google it!

Being Active
I’d be the first to say I’m one lazy *bleep*. I hate having to get up and go to the gym, it’s like the biggest pain in the *bleep* [oh eff it]... the biggest pain in the ARSE! (Yes I just said arse...sue me?) That’s how much I hate the gym. It’s like my hate for chocolate, I rather not eat it but I’d get a craving every now and then. If I want to vent out some frustration, I’d head to the gym and work it off, however if I’m in a great mood, you won’t see me in there for anything lol.

Evidently this mentality had to change, so I’ve been thinking of fun way’s to work out. I have no problem staying active just as long as it’s fun. We know that in order to see results it’s best to work out ATLEAST 3 times a week (or more depending on your goal).

So as well as going to the gym, I’ve taken up Zumba classes, also been working out with my Wii at home (Just dance, Michael Jackson experience...bloody fun mate, I highly recommend it). I have recently been introduced to this Nike Training Club iPhone app, this thing is a GOD SEND I tell ya! No joke you get a really good work out from it, like I mean; sweat, aches & pains the following day the whole thing. HIGHLY RECCOMEND IT!! If you have an iphone/ipod/ipad whatever, download this app and let me know what you think, I guarantee it will change your life.

I advise that you find other great way’s to stay active. Don’t end up doing the same work out at the gym, same routine blah blah blah, its good to surprise your body sometimes you get better results that way. You can go for walks, jogs, take up dance classes (rhythm or not hehehe it’s still fun and sweaty), kick boxing/martial arts, Wii/Kinect, anything that keeps your heart racing and makes you sweat. Yes ANYTHING...I know what you’re thinking, yes even that hehehehe.  

Method to my madness:
I decided to do all this basically because I wanted to; it had nothing to do with what others around me had to say. That’s the key factor when changing anything about yourself you have to make sure that your doing it for YOU and not for someone else. I’ve had people say “why u going gym for? Why you trying to lose weight? You look fine...don’t go and get too skinny” in the same sense I’ve also heard “hmph! You’ve gained weight boi, maybe if your body looked a little trimmer that dress would suit you”. Now if I listened to these people I’d actually go mad, you see how it’s one thing then another, a bit confusing right? That’s why it’s best to listen to YOU. Think about why you should be doing this, if losing weight is something you really want. If you’re the type to have self esteem issues maybe it could be a deeper problem than just weight, you might want to evaluate that. All in all I’d encourage you to LOVE every part of you, flaws and all. No, there’s nothing wrong with altering a few things here and there if you feel it will better who you are but don’t let the pressure of today’s society make the decisions for you.
Just do you honey [finger snap].

Fashion Finds: Christian Louboutin spring 2011 C O L L E C T I O N

Its here, its finally here! [shoegasm]. I can now reveal to you Christian Louboutin's 2011 spring collection [roar of applause]. BUT! hmm I dunno if I can really get excited about this collection, although I have a couple faves the majority...not so much. However have a look for yourself.

I'd have to say I was more excited about the Winter collection, I nearly took out a loan, hehehhe! ...No foreal. 

[Link Luv] La Passion Des Louboutins